Go, go, go

*Wakes up*

Go, go, go. Feed the baby. Change diaper. Pee. Put coffee on. Take dog out. Eat breakfast. Shit, dirty dishes. Dishwasher is full. Empty dishwasher, do it now. Dishes in the sink, no. Empty dishwasher. Now. NOW. Baby’s crying. Crying, she’s crying. Unload dishwasher, put dishes away in correct spots. Dishwasher is empty, good. Good. Put dirty dishes in dishwasher now. Good. Coffee’s done. Tired. So tired. Baby’s crying. Needs me, needs me. Go, go, go. 

Grabs baby. Gets coffee one-handed. Ah, coffee. Puts baby down, plays with baby. Happy. Baby rubs eyes. Tired. I’m tired too. Puts baby to sleep. Sleep. No. Go. go, go. More coffee. Laundry. Clothes in hamper. Put in washer. Good. Start washer. Make bed. Bedding isn’t straight. Fix. Not perfect. Fix. Good. House is messy. Clean. Put toys where they belong. This one goes here. This one goes here. This one goes here. Good. Hang coats. Shoes in a line. Pillows in their places. Clutter on the table. Fix. No. Redo. Hm, no. Redo. Better. Good. Good. Breathe in–baby cries. Go, go, go. 

Feed the baby. Change diaper. Pee again. Put baby’s clothes for the day on. Dirty clothes in hamper again. No. Washer’s done. Shit. Put baby down to play. Put clothes in dryer. Empty washer, put clothes from the hamper in. No clothes in hamper anymore. Good. Baby’s happy. Good. Dog needs to go out. Okay. Hungry. Time to eat. Make food. Dirty dishes. Messy kitchen. Clean. Baby’s starting to fuss. Go, go, go. Put the dishes away. Dirty. Clean kitchen. Now. NOW. Eat food. Dirty dishes away NOW. Baby cries. What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I don’t know what’s wrong. Shh, it’s okay. Shh. Baby sleeps. Sleep. No. Go, go, go. 

Dryer’s done. Fold and put away in order. Shirts. Pants. Socks. Underwear. Baby clothes. Towels. Miscellaneous. Clothes are put up. Good. Good. What’s next? Relax? No. Baby cries. Go, go, go…

This is just a glimpse of what I feel like goes on inside of my mind every single day. If it’s hard to read, it was done so purposefully. If you felt a sense of chaos and felt overwhelmed, there’s a reason behind that. Anxiety makes you feel cluttered. When something in my life is out of place, even if it is something as simple as a pillow not being where it should be, it sets my anxiety through the roof. Exhausting doesn’t even come close to how it truly feels. It is debilitating.

I’ve had people tell me how they wish they had my habits because my house is always clean and so organized. But little do they know what I go through to keep it that way. I honestly can’t go to bed knowing that something isn’t done, something is messy, something is out of place. It needs to be fixed, it needs to be back to how it should be and it needs to be done NOW or I’m going to have a panic attack. If I could just find the off switch for just a day…maybe things could change. But this is my reality for now. For now, it’s go, go, go. 

I’m not going to pretend to know that I know all the answers, or else I wouldn’t still be struggling. But I think it’s important to talk about my story and to talk about my struggles not because I want attention, not because I want to through a pity party but because I know what it’s like to feel absolutely alone and it’s a crummy feeling. So in light of everything, if you feel like you are drowning in your mental illness, I want you to know that you aren’t alone and you are strong. I still am dealing with my own troubles but I’m just taking it one day at a time and we will get through it together! There’s a light at the end of this tunnel and we’ll overcome our struggles soon. 

Originally posted by thepersonalquotes

Recently got into a new hobby and I am LOVING it. I’ve drawn in the past but never tried painting but I wish I would’ve started a long time ago! There’s still so much to learn and so much practice to do but I’m ready for it! Enjoy our new bedroom decor that I’ve been working on all week! Lovebirds 🥰

I saw a post about a mom who took her babe to her MIL so she could clean for a few hours. But she said she was exhausted and wanted to nap instead but felt guilty for not wanting to clean…

So many people don’t realize how much this happens. You get a few hours to yourself and there’s all these things that you should be doing but you just want to relax. Just thinking about relaxing makes me feel guilty sometimes. How awful is that?

Listen, self care is SO important. You cannot take care of everything else if you don’t take care of yourself first. The mess can wait. You deserve some time off too.

Take a nap, momma 💗

When I was pregnant my goal was to at least breastfeed until 6 months. The first 6 weeks were honestly hell. I was in so much pain and so many tears were spilled as we both learned how to do this whole thing. I could have given up, stopped the pain and just move on but I didn’t want to.

Now here we are almost 6 months in and I am SO happy that I stuck through it all and incredibly blessed to still be able to breastfeed my baby! There is nothing stronger than the bond we have, there is nothing more fulfilling than seeing her grow, nothing sweeter than seeing her face light up and smile at me when she’s full. She is my whole wide world and so so special! 6 months down and many more to come! 💗